Hi, I'm Vinyl Burns.
People often ask me…. why do I know you? How did we meet? Why are you dressed that way? Let me clear all this up, once and for all…
I’m a man of good looks, charisma, charm and easy vibes. I hold court like Jordan jumps across it. I enjoy imparting my genius to the ladies, and sometimes the men are close enough to pick a little of it up as well.
I like to write the names of my lovers on the sand at the beach, but often there are too many people on the beach for me to finish the list.
I like to ROCK!
I like to eat. In Korea, I ate a dog. They told me it was the local custom, and because I know how important it is to honour the locals and show respect for their little customs, I just wolfed that puppy right on down.
They started whispering to each other, and then the one who spoke English said that it was also customary to eat my hat. I don’t wear a hat, but I said I’d eat my shirt, if it would please them.
He said it would please them very much, so I ate my shirt. I was pretty full by the end because it was winter time, and it was a heavy woolen shirt.
The Winter thing also made being shirtless quite uncomfortable.
I’m a diplomat and an cultural icon and figurehead. I’m a figurine on the giant porcelain chess board of pop culture. I dabble in politics and I write for some magazines that prefer to remain anonymous.
You like me. They like me. I like me.
I’m one of a kind, and I teach all manner of things. I have a poker retreat up in the Ruahine mountains, near where that guy got shot by his hunter friend.
I teach surf lifesaving in the winter time (to make sure they’re really tough and ready for action), and I do some freelance dentistry and the odd bit of surgery (to keep my hand in).
I vote as often as I can (usually just once or twice every three or four years), any more than that and you get caught... and I’m a silent contributor to a number of political movements.
My finest memories are mainly focused around the Peppermill with the variety fraternity during my epic runs at the Golden Caboose or Tindlers Chariot.
I was an officer of the CIA for a short period in the 1980s when things got pretty hot in Atlantic City, but these days, I’m just watched by them… just like everybody else.
I’m famous for life. For love. For good and for bad.
I’m in it for the funny.
And while I’m here, we should get into Pakistan before those North Koreans do… I’m not saying that I know anything, but there are some things that I know… which I can’t tell you.
Three words… Michael Jackson, Saturn V, Watergate. Ok, Watergate is two words but looks like it was typed with a broken space bar, or maybe by a man with no thumbs. And “V” is just a letter, which in this case represents a number, so that’s even less of an extra word.
In any case… stock up on the water and watch a lot of M*A*S*H – we didn’t spend 60 million bucks on the script for nothing.
So, in closing, I wish you all peace, cosmos and a fiscal urban future …. because when you’re friends with Vinyl Burns… it’s ALWAYS tomorrow.